Sorry, I Thought You Were a Girl
by Argentcoeur
Summary: Kakashi uses a technique to transport Deidara to Ouran Academy! Under the guise of a girl and burdened by the love of a thousand boys, what shall this Akatsuki member do? What about Itachi?
1. The Hopelessly Lovestruck Boy

_****This chapter has been edited so that none of you may ever gaze upon the horrid grammatical errors I had neglected to fix.** **_

**(Just for the sake of the fanfic, Deidara has two arms.) Disclaimer: Neither Mike nor Sam own Naruto, but they own this wonderful excuse for a fanfiction.**

A familiar blonde ninja woke up on the ground, after being sucked up into Kakashi's new sharingan technique.

Deidara groggily lifted his head. The fist first thing he saw was a horrible sight to behold.

It was a _pink_ building.

The atrocious architectural wreck seemed to be almost a palace. High towers rose among smaller castle-like structures, and young cherry trees sprung up in the many gardens.

In front of the palace was a golden sign that said, "Welcome to Ouran Academy".

"Why, I am compelled to ask, is such a fair maiden wearing such horrid dress?"

The explosive Akatsuki member turned to see a blond figure kneeling beside him, one hand to his heart, the other holding a red rose in offering.

"A beautiful princess like you should be clothed in silk of the highest standards." The boy swept some of his golden locks from his purple eyes, and stared up adoringly at Deidara.

"Uhh..." Deidara slowly walked away, too stunned to say anything.

The love-struck boy skipped over to the 'girl' and with hardly a word, swept 'her' into his arms, "Why leave, my lovely maiden? I have not had the pleasure of hearing your name, which must be as gorgeous as you are. Your prince is no other than Tamaki, my love."

"Uhh..." Deidara was still stunned into silence, but finally managed to answer, "Deidara. I'm a-"

"-lovely princess. You have such an exquisite name! Is it Italian? Or maybe Persian? French?"

Deidara tried futility to end this ridiculous conversation, "I'm-"

Tamaki did not want this dream to end, "-the most striking lady I have ever seen in my entire life! I must be in heaven, for all the girls I have seen do not compare-"

"I'M A-"

"-to you in my entire existence!"

"I'M A GUY!"

Tamaki's face fell, but then rose again, realizing something, "I see. You must not want anyone in your life," and then stumbling a bit on his words, "' anyone in the _world_ to realize your exquisite beauty!"

At that moment, Deidara realized he had to do something: drastic times call for drastic measures.

The 'prince of romance' was suddenly holding something harder, and smaller, than his love. As the smoke cleared, it was revealed to be a log. Tamaki was not fazed in the least.

He sighed, a smile upon his handsome features, "Such a clever princess. Switching herself with a nearby log when I was only paying attention to her beauty! I _must_ have her!"

* * *

The next day, Deidara had enrolled himself into what was apparently, a school. A rather prestigious school for the rich. He was glad he had taken some of Kakuzu's money a couple days prior to his mission to the sand.

He did not want to attract unwanted attention to himself, and unfortunately, that meant pretending to be a girl.

As he looked at himself in the mirror, he thought he looked rather pretty in his new yellow dress.

Deidara tied his hair in a high ponytail with a yellow tie, and took out some makeup he had bought the other day. He put a little bit of blush on his cheeks, and a small bit of mascara on his eyelashes. He pulled on some frilly gloves to hide his hand-mouths.

He twirled around a few times in front of the mirror, and blew a few kisses to his reflection.

The feminine akatsuki then proceeded to scream.

* * *

Deidara walked- no, make that run- through the many courtyards, trying to avoid being seen by any boys.

It was not just Tamaki he had to watch for, but_all _of the boys. Deidara had recently figured out he must have looked beautiful, for the boys of this school just would not stop throwing themselves at him.

So far, he had gotten 29 boys asking for a date, five asking for his number, and 194 marriage proposals.

* * *

**Warning: This is now from Hikaru's perspective. Beware of morbid male thoughts.**

"Class, we have a new student at Ouran. So let's all give her a warm welcome!"

The new student walked in, her yellow dress perfectly accenting her curves. You could clearly see that she was nervous, yet, her smile lit up the entire room. She carried the scent of smoke and chemicals. However, that made her seem all the more beautiful. Her lightly tanned skin glowed in the dim classroom, and her rosy lips just beckoned anyone to kiss her.

"So, what's your name?"

"Deidara," she replied, her voice as musical and sweet as a harp.

"Why don't you take a seat next to Hikaru. Hikaru, raise your hand so Deidara knows where her seat is."

Deidara walked to the seat, her dress sweeping behind her. As she sat next to me, I could not help but blush. Her cerulean eyes passed right over me, and a warm feeling spread throughout my body.

As the teacher began talking, I could not help but let my gaze stray to Deidara. She was so beautiful, her hair was a light golden, and looked as soft as cotton-

_No!'_ I told myself. '_I can not fall for a girl! What would happen to the host club? What about Kaoru? What about Haruhi?_'

I shook my head to clear myself of these thoughts.

"Hikaru?"

It was the teacher. So caught up in my thoughts, I did not even realize the teacher had been asking a question.

The new girl stared at me. A shiver ran down my spine. It was almost as if she was staring right into the depths of my soul.

I threw in a smile anyway, "What was the question again?"

* * *

**Back to the third person POV we all know and love.**

Itachi was staring at the wall, perfecting his genjutsu when something happened.

A small little black kitten wandered into his vision. The Uchiha stared at it for hours on end, but still, it would not go away. It only cocked its head to the side.

A chill ran down his spine as it did something. It _spoke_. Its cold voice would forever be imprinted into his soul.

"Hello. I am whom you may call Sam. This is my accomplice, Mike," A tall black wolf appeared at that moment, fading into the room.

Their icy red eyes stared deep into his own eyes, and he knew something very bad was about to happen.

The cat smiled (if that was possible), "Do not worry. We only wish to move along with the plot bunny. Or in my case, plot kitty."

"This will only hurt a great deal if we miss," the wolf said solemnly, then perked up, "of course, that would mean we get an early dinner. We are what you could call chim-"

The cat silenced him with a flick of her white-tipped tail, "Shush, we must not dispense too much information. He is but a mere thread of plotline. Besides, I do not want you hogging my spotlight. It _is_ my story, after all."

"_Our_ story," Mike argued, rolling his eyes.

"Whatever." Sam replied, indifferent.

Itachi watched this whole intro with a growing sense of dread. Something was terribly wrong. A cat and wolf arguing- who would have thought?

Sam turned to the almost forgotten Uchiha, "anyway, we are going to transport you to another dimension, yadda yadda yadda. You _will_ join the host club. Just a bit of warning, though: **Do not resist**."

The wolf repeated, "Do not resist. We will carry on with the procedure. I recommend you curl up in fetal position," he grimaced, "it is not pleasant otherwise."

All faded into darkness for Itachi, leaving the echo of demonic laughter in the backround.

* * *

I have gained another partner in crime! Mwahaha!

Like it? Hate it? Wanna tear it to shreds? Well, too bad! The internet cannot be shredded!

But it can be flamed.

Got a spare flame? I'm freezing here. (virtually) Never getting any flames kind of makes you feel sad. Or just big-headed. I'm the former.

Please review.

Wanna know what the consequences of not reviewing are?

* * *

You sit quietly at your computer, reading my plea. You might be listening to music, but let us just say you are not.

As you read, you have an uncomfortable sense that you are not alone. You look around the room, but there is nothing. You decide it was just your imagination. But as you turn back to your computer, the feeling does not go away.

You finish reading my plea, and just to spite me, _do not_ review. You go to another website. Just as it starts loading, something happens.

A small black kitten jumps onto your lap. You are amazed; you do not own any black cats!

Distracted, you look back at the computer, only to find a wolf laying on the desk/table. Astonished, both start to speak.

"You _really_ don't want to do that," the kitten warned.

You raise your hand to bat away the cat, but the wolf beats it to you, "Are you going to use that hand to type, or shall I tear it off?"

The wolf moved out of the way, as if beckoning you to type. The website stops loading, and you press the back button. You proceed to review, and once again, the spontaneous animals are there.

"It is so easy to manipulate these bags of flesh to do what you want of them."


	2. Can I play with your innards?

**Itachi**

Itachi opened his eyes, fully expecting a talking alligator to be in front of him, having some tea.

Instead, was very different..

The gleeful face of a previously introduced blond boy with violet eyes was right in front of him. The eyes looked him over, as if scrutinizing him for a bomb. The boy glared at him. He glared back.

"You!"

The boy stood back and pointed his finger straight at Itachi.

"You," he started again, "would you like to join the Ouran High School Host Club?"

Itachi's mouth parted, and the word _yes_ started to form in his throat. This was not of his own accord, so like the stubborn Uchiha he was, he tried to resist.

Big mistake.

Flaring pain seared through his body, burning his lungs, poisoning his blood. It felt as if his bones were being split apart, shattering. Itachi fell to the floor, ignoring the boy's cries of concern. He vomited some blood onto the floor, and looked up at him.

Breathing heavily, he said weakly, "yes."

He then fainted.

* * *

A claw poked his leg. Itachi woke up, and blearily sat up. He slowly opened his eyes, and stared. There, at the foot of the couch he was on, Sam and Mike were arguing.

"I call chewing on his bones if he's dead."

"Well, since Itachi's dead, I get to tear out his intestines and play with it like yarn."

Sam finally noticed that Itachi was awake and said sadly, "Aww... I thought you were dead... Now I can't play with your innards!"

Mike growled at her, "I knew he wasn't dead. Couldn't you hear his heartbeat?"

"Yes, but I really, _really_ wanted to play with his guts!"

"Don't worry; when this is over, he'll be old and dead. So then, you use his guts as yarn! And I can chew on his bones."

Sam still complained, using a whiny voice, "but then they will be all decayed and moldy!"

"Well, you're not going to be eating them, are you?"

"...maybe..."

The once-again ignored plot thread was beginning to think he was going crazy.

Mike's thoughts wondered, "I wonder what happened to our friend Ganon."

"Personally, I don't care. Can we eat him now?"

"No, you can eat him later. I did not really care what happened to him. I just wonder if he is still crying over that incident. Or if he finally cracked."

Itachi wondered if_ he_ had cracked.

"Nevertheless, he was easy game."

Sam ended the for-your-amusement conversation, "We are getting off plot. We just came here to laugh at you, but that has gotten nowhere. Au bientôt!"

With that, the wolf faded away, and the cat leaped off the bed. She padded out of the room, meowing quite loudly. It was almost as if she was calling for someone...

Itachi was all alone now. He took this time to try to find out where he was.

He was in a big room. He was lying on an elegant purple couch right in the middle of the room. There was a piano to the side, and there was a way-too-happy face right in front of him.

"Yes?"

"I, the king of this host club, Tamaki Suoh, welcome you to the Ouran High School Host Club!" He stood up and gestured to five boys behind him.

Itachi could only stare as Tamaki introduced the other Host Club members. _'The cat wanted me to join a host club...?'_

Tamaki pointed to a pair of red-headed twins holding twin roses, "These handsome devils are Kaoru and Hikaru, the mischievous type. This-," he turned to someone wearing glasses and holding a clipboard, "-is Kyoya. He is the cool type."

He went to a tall man with a small kid on his shoulders, "This here is Takashi, but we just call him Mori. That is Mitsukuni on his shoulders, but you can call him Honey. Haruhi, the natural type, isn't here right now, but you will meet him in time."

* * *

Deidara walked into his apartment after a long day of avoiding hundreds of thousands of love-struck boys. When he looked to his left, then right, as if searching for any unwanted guests. (AKA boys) Luckily, there were none.

He pulled off the offensive article of clothing, and pulled on his Akatsuki cloak. He looked out the window, still checking for any 'guests' that may have followed him. But amazingly, he saw one of the most popular boys in school wearing one of the aforementioned dresses. Except this one was a pink sun dress.

He looked just like a girl...

After a moment, he slowly realized that _was_ a girl!

And was knocking on Deidara's door.

He reluctantly opened the door, to see the girl holding a basket full of cookies and a wide grin.

"Hi, I'm Haruhi Fujioka, your new neighbor. I baked some chocolate cookies for you."

"Uhh... ...thanks. Aren't you in the Host Club, yeah?" Deidara was befuddled: no one had ever given him anything before. Well, except for maybe a punch. And a kunai. And maybe some explosive tags...

Haruhi was a bit surprised, but brushed it off, "Yeah, I am. Hey, you're the new girl. Deidara, right?"

Deidara decided to go along with it. One little white lie never hurt anyone, right? "Yeah."

* * *

Deidara woke up early that morning, angered by the fact that he had to go to school again. He reluctantly walked to school, wearing that mess of a dress. As he walked through the streets, his thoughts wandered to his days at the Ninja Academy.

_Deidara walked through the dirty streets, looking this way and that, jumping behind whatever was around when someone was around. His big azure eyes searched frantically, and he let out a small shriek when he saw something move. As a scrawny cat came out, he let out a sigh of relief._

_However, his breath caught in his throat when he heard voices. _Their _voices._

_"Where's the freak? We haven't given him a gift today yet."_

_"Maybe he's over there."_

_The voices were getting louder. They were coming for him._

_So there Deidara stood, shaking, too frozen with terror to do anything._

_"There he is!"_

_A group of kids, boys and girls alike, came over to him. They sneered at him._

_Young Deidara tried to run, but his legs would not move, "Pl-please d-d-don't hurt m-me."_

_They only derided him, and continued sneering. One of them suddenly lashed out at him with a punch, and the others quickly followed._

_Deidara finally managed to move his feet, and he fled swiftly. He ran until he came to the academy. Once inside, he took the seat where he was least likely to be noticed._

___Tears ran down his face, stinging a few cuts as they went. He angrily wiped them away, not wanting another reason for _them_ to make fun of him._

_'Not that they didn't already have one,' Deidara thought grumpily, staring down at his hands. They grinned up at him, putting a slight smile on his face._

_

* * *

_

So, what do you think?

I've been trying to type longer chapters, but it is kind of hard when you can't think of something more to move along the story.

Proceed to extra part! _(Yes, proceed is one of my favorite words to use! However did you know!?)_

_

* * *

_

Somehow, by forces not too far away from Itachi, the just mentioned thread was enrolled in Ouran Academy.

And so, the Uchiha was now sitting at a desk trying to study. 'Trying' being the key word. For how could anyone hope to study with two talking animals who claim to rule over you arguing about where to sit?

"I sat in the comfy chair last time, so now you get to sit in the comfy chair!"

"That chair was not a comfy chair! So, you sit in the comfy chair!"

"It was comfy to me!"

And so, the sharingan user was greatly annoyed (and wondering if he was crazy), listening to these absurd arguments.

"You shall sit dans la chaise!" The small kitten pushed the big wolf onto a rather worn old chair.

"But this is Itachi's room," the wolf argued back, picking Sam up and putting her in the chair.

"And you are the guest, " Sam meowed, pushing Mike back up.

"Yes, but-"

"_Enough_!"

Itachi stood, having been the one to crack. The creators stared up at him, amazed that their subject had spoken a word of objection to them.

"I have had-"

Sam interrupted him with a joyful tone, "Yay! I found a comfy seat!"

She leaped up on top of Itachi's head, and kneaded his hair for a minute. Content with the accommodations, she curled up, and started to purr rather annoyingly.

Itachi tried to shake her off, but she was stuck. With each attempt he made to dislodge her from his head, she dug her claws in deeper.

He sighed in defeat.

Meanwhile, the wolf had sat on the worn chair.

The Uchiha was about to resume his studies, but was interrupted by a squeal.

"-insert squeal noise here- Itachi! I didn't know you had a cat!"

Within seconds, tens of hundreds of girls were crammed into the room, all wanting a chance to pet the adorable kitty and get a picture with the 'animal lover'.

When the last of them finally left, Itachi realized he had five minutes until his next class.

And he did not even have time to study.


	3. Pumpkin Pie

Itachi opened the door to music room 3, and was greeted by a happy chorus of, "Welcome!" and a group of pilgrims.

He only stared as one of the pilgrims skipped over to him, holding up a dress very similar to the clothes they were wearing.

"I am not going to wear that," Itachi deadpanned before Tamaki had a chance to say anything.

"But we put so much effort into decorating the place! It just wouldn't be right for you to not fit in!"

Indeed, the room was much thanksgiving-like. Fall colors were everywhere, scattered around. Multiple small tables each had their own turkey, among other thanksgiving foods. Every couch and chair was generously embellished with autumn leaves, including leaves of pure gold.

One of the twins came up behind the 'prince' and pointed something out, "But King, we did all that."

The other twin proceeded to poke at Tamaki, "Yeah, you only chose the turkeys."

As Tamaki sat in a corner slowly tracing a picture of a turkey into the floor, Itachi contemplated the likelihood of another Akatsuki ending up in the same boat as him. The odds were slim to none.

* * *

Deidara was contemplating something else. He wondered _why_ he was in a dress in the first place. Suddenly, a voice in the back of his head spoke up,

_'You must not reveal your gender... It is vital you do not...'_

"Why?" the Akatsuki snapped aloud, still somewhat irked from the many attempts at a date with him, "is it vital to destroy me by the hands of fanboys?"

_'Uh... No! It is for your own protection. No one will suspect a beautiful girl to hold a secret as big as the Akatsuki.'_

"Oh," Deidara said, although he was a bit disgruntled by the fact that he still had to masquerade as a girl. The voice did not help, either.

"H-hello, D-d-deidara."

Deidara turned around to see one of his teachers(the one that taught math, he was pretty sure). He was blushing quite heavily, was shaking, and was holding a white rose, nearly devoid of its petals.

"W-will y-y-you go on a d-date w-w-with m-m-m-m-m-m-m-me?"

Staring slack-jawed at the stammering 40 year old professor for a long moment, he was beginning to think this was getting out of hand.

_'Hey, you could be in a pilgrim dress, surrounded by hot guys and victimized by two talking animals.'_

* * *

"My name's Emily! My favorite color is purple! What's your favorite color? I like purple because it's the color of plums. Do you like plums? Plums are my favorite food! What about you, Itachi? Do you like plums? Plums are so purple and soft. Your hand is soft, Itachi. But your muscles are so tense! Itachi, why are your muscles so tense? Would you like me to give you a massage, Itachi? I'm very good at massages, Itachi. My mother says so. I was personally trained by a massage master! Have you ever been trained by a master? Have you been trained by more than one master? How many? What did they specialize-"

"Hey, it's my turn!"

Emily was pushed rather forcefully out of the chair by another eager girl. The new girl began talking, saying and asking things almost exactly like Emily did.

Itachi's eye twitched. All these girls were getting annoying. Worse, they expected him to eat _pumpkin pie!_

He glared at the offensive piece of orange yummy goodness. It seemed to shrink out of existence the more he glared at it.

The Uchiha hated two things: Pie and pumpkins.

He angrily stabbed a fork into it, driving the poor silver cutlery into the table. Now they had the nerve to fuse those two things into one. Into the yummyness that was pumpkin pie.

Unnoticed by its abuser, the mistreated piece of dessert cried.

* * *

Later, Itachi went back to his -room, dorm, place-where-he-was-staying- place. He was dismayed to see a whole pumpkin pie sitting on a table in the middle of the room.

Immediately, a black kitten jumped onto the table, and mashed her face against the food. A big clumsy cream-colored cat jumped up after her, and looked up at Itachi. He looked back, and sighed. He sat at his desk and waited for the last member of the party to arrive. It did not take long for the big wolf to fade in.

Mike stared up at the cream cat, "What's this? Food?"

Sam did not look up from her pie, and answered, "My pie, my kitty."

Itachi could not help wondering why a tiny kitten called a giant cat 'my kitty' but did not voice the thought. Who knows what two merciless animals of mass destruction could do to him?

The two turned to him, and simultaneously said, "I heard that."

The wolf growled, "So, who's he?"

"That," Sam meowed, flicking her tail to her 'kitty' companion, "is my new kitten. His name is Ed. Named after a rather famous alchemist, of course."

Mike laughed, a low, throaty growl, "Well, don't let him transmute Itachi into an itachi!"

He jumped on the table with them, "Hey... Can I have some pie?"

Sam turned to him, and hissed with such malice, even Itachi was frightened. Ed leaped off the table, uneasy with the choking amount of killing intent being released into the air.

Her frigid voice echoed throughout the room, making everyone in it shake, **_"This is MY pie! You shall not even lay a single claw upon the air around it! Understood?"_**

"Y-yes."

"Good," she purred, content with the simple answer, "you can have that pie over there."

Mike happily padded over to the lemon meringue pie she nodded her head to, and merrily dug into it.

Itachi could only stare and wonder, _'What is the world coming to?'_

* * *

Happy (late) Thanksgiving!

I started to type this the day before Thanksgiving. *sigh* Never got the will to type after that, before today.

1,000 is a lot for me to type, even 700 is too much for me!

Itachi is Japanese for weasel.

My sister named him Ed. He was lost.

**HEY! You there, about to click on that review button! Yes, you. You know who I'm talking to! **

**Listen, I'm out of ideas. Care to speed up the updating process by giving me some? I'm clueless about what will happen when Itachi and Deidara meet up.**

How's about a little poll, eh?

Pick the one you want most to happen. If there is a tie, I may mix the ideas together. This is just to try to inspire me to type some more. And for your amusement.

(A) They somehow end up suddenly faced with each other. Itachi faints, and Dei tells him how he ended up there when he comes to. (possibly ItaDei)

(B) What will happen when Deidara finds music room 3?

(C) They suddenly end up faced with each other. Deidara faints, and Itachi inquires about how he ended up there.

(D) They're oblivious to each other. (This idea gets me no where... You have to include about what may happen apart from each other.)

(E) Christmas special. Christmas ball, Itachi and Deidara end up dancing together by a stroke of fate. (Or maybe by the claw of a kitty...) (possibly ItaDei)

(F) Someone else joins the chaos. (Please specify who and what they end up as: teacher, host, male student, or female student.)

(G) Christmas special. Deidara somehow ended up kissing Tamaki. Itachi sees them. (possibly ItaDei)

Possibly ItaDei ideas will only be ItaDei if you request it. Yes, I have a lot of ideas. You are allowed to vote twice in your review.

Please note that I have a poll with these idea on my profile. Please go click on it. You can vote up to 2 times on there, too.

**Okay, you may click that little button down there.**


	4. p1 Christmas Dance

Itachi was diligently sitting at his desk in class, diligently doing his work. He barely noticed the door opening, and neither the click clack of claws on the floor. He _did_ notice, however, something wet and slimy on his lap. He looked down to see a big fat brown dog resting its head on his legs. When he looked up, he saw Mike, on his desk, with a lemon meringue pie.

"My pie, my dog," he growled.

Itachi only sighed, this was becoming so silly, it seemed normal. He would think it just plain annoying for Hidan confessing his love for him, but he would think it scary for the violet-eyed Akatsuki to start cussing him off.

"Mr. Uchiha?"

Said Uchiha leaned to the side, trying to see around the wolf blocking his view. There, at the front of the class, trying to get his attention was the Akatsuki he was just thinking about. Hidan.

Itachi forced himself to keep a straight face as he answered the teacher, "Yes?"

"What are you doing with that pie? Stop tempting the innocent animals and give it to them!"

Nope. Not Hidan. That was _not_ Hidan.

Itachi stared at the lemon pie that was now occupying his hands. Without even wondering how it got from Mike's mouth to his hands, he sighed. He put it back in the wolf's waiting mouth. He took it and waltzed out the door, wagging his tail. He was quickly followed by the dog, who he was compelled to call Maggie.

* * *

'Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the school,

All the students were stirring, getting ready for Yule.

Banners were strewn across the halls with care,

All hoping they would not tear.

~*~

The Akatsuki were confused with what was going on,

While they were dragged all through the dawn.

With Itachi as a host, and Deidara as a girl,

Had just about enough of this excited whirl.

~*~

When Tamaki found Deidara there arose such a clatter,

The host club sprung up to see what was the matter.

Away from the prince Deidara flew like a flash,

Nearly running into Itachi with a crash.

~*~

With a little bit of love, he was suddenly blind,

He did not know it was all in his mind.

More rapid than an ANBU his beckonings they came,

And he cooed, and shouted, and called her by name!

~*~

"My Deidara! My princess! The love of my life!"

"Oh, maiden! Oh, beautiful! Oh, future wife!"

He picked up Kaoru, still caught in his fancies,

"Now find a dress! Find one with extravagancies!"

~*~

You may think I pull these rhymes randomly out with a mew,

And that is oh so true!

Now I know some of you may hate me for this,

Yet your flames might bring me bliss!

~*~

**(Now to skip to later in the day...)**

Itachi's face was emotionless as he walked through the halls of Ouran. The girls stopped to stare, but the Uchiha took no notice. He had donned a red suit, along with a green-and-white striped tie. A small poinsettia corsage rested on the outfit.

Tonight was the annual Christmas dance. It was to be held in the main hall(or whatever you want to call it). The Host Club was hosting it, of course.

He opened the large doors leading to the area, and was immediately bombarded with dance requests. The girls started fighting with each other over him, temporarily allowing him to escape elsewhere. He quickly disappeared over to where the rest of the Host Club had gathered. They were all wearing the same outfit as he was. Tamaki sat on a throne in the middle of them, and a small black kitten sat atop his shoulder.

"Welcome," Tamaki said, sparkles appearing all around him as he greeted the students that had gathered in the area, "to the annual Noel dance. We of the Host Club hope you have a wonderful time. Now, as you all probably know, we will also be having a little contest. Eight lucky girls will receive a kiss from a host of their choosing. But back to why we came here! There are plenty of refreshments, and enough music to last all-"

Tamaki stopped mid-sentence as the doors to the room opened. His mouth was wide open, and his eyes were focused squarely on one figure. Everyone turned to see what exactly the king of romance was staring at.

* * *

Deidara cursed once again as he tripped over the glass slippers he was wearing. He did not even know why he was wearing the in the first place! He had found them in his apartment earlier, and thought he should go to the dance in them. But putting them and the dress on took way longer than he had expected, and was now running late. Literally. He was currently running to the school.

The blond ran into Ouran, not even slowing his pace as he ran through the empty hallways. The glass _clicks_ echoed through the halls, and Deidara started to wonder why teachers were not coming out to investigate the sound.

He burst through the giant ornate doors, and finally stopped. He was suddenly aware of hundreds of eyes all trained on him. His fingers started idly playing with a stray strand of hair that had fallen out of place during the run.

* * *

**Now... what shall Deidara's dress be like? Shall it be puffy, poofy, elaborate, ornate, plain, or simple? What color shall it be?**

**All shall be revealed in time...**

**Mwahahahaha!**

It is Mike's birthday today. LET THERE BE CONFETTI AND CAKE!!! Bow down to the King of Wolves!

That is all.


	5. p2 How Does That Make You Feel?

Tamaki was speechless. It was safe to admit that he had been blinded with love before, but never had his mouth gone dry at such a sight.

An angel. Any other description would have been an insult, as nothing else could even compare to the wonder he was gazing at.

* * *

Deidara nervously clutched at his dress. His fingers glided over the smooth blue silk to the embroidered white swirls. Why was everyone staring at him? Was his hair a mess? Was there something in his teeth? No, that could not possibly be it- he had not eaten anything all day that might have stuck in his teeth. Maybe it was his dress.

The dress he was thinking about was a long icy-blue gown that lifted slightly near the floor to reveal an ornately webbed white skirt underneath. Beautiful flowery swirls wrapped around the middle of the dress, and elegantly curled upward. He wore long gloves that snaked up his arm of similar color. His hair was down, but there was still the strand covering his left eye. He was also wearing snowflake earings and necklace. Unbeknown to him, most of the males in the room imagined vividly bright white wings sprouting from his back.

As he nervously played with his hair, the writer thought about what should happen next. This continued for many minutes until-

* * *

Itachi suddenly found himself in a rather curious position. He was hanging upside-down precariously from a chain above a chasm in the stone floor. It was quite chilly, and despite the decaying cadavers all around, smelled of oranges. In the corner of the room was a wooden desk and some shelfs, covered with cats and skulls. There was a computer, along with a nice little reading lamp.

"What am I do-"

"Hey! Don't disrupt my descriptions!"

A chair was also there, which a familiar kitten sat upon. She was snuggled with a fluffy blanket and plushie. She seemed to be annoyed with something. But what, Itachi could not fathom.

"Very well, now you may articulate."

"What am I doing here?"

The black kitten turned to face him, still annoyed, "You are here because I felt like it. That, and Deidara doesn't know about me yet. As far as he knows, I'm just a voice in the back of his head." She dreamily stroked the blonde-haired plushie by her side.

Itachi glared at her, "So why am I _here_, and not _there_?"

Sam sighed; did she have to explain _everything _to the Uchiha? "You are here because I cannot think of anything else to type. I have an inability to continue this fanfiction at the moment. Just be glad I'm not suddenly whisking you away to therapy. I certainly do not want to give my parents any ideas."

Itachi raised an eyebrow, which looked slightly hilarious considering he was upside-down, "You have writer's block?"

Sam sighed again, "Alas! It is so. It's so annoying I could tear off some's head right now."

She glared at him, and he felt slightly defenseless tied up, so he decided to temporarily change the subject. "You have quite the taste in decor."

Just like that, Sam turned into a little girl surrounded by flowers(as in mood), "Really?! You really think so? Thank you so much! You know, I thought I had overdone it with the corpses, but I thought it added just the right amount of death into the picture."

Her mood turned back to glowering at him, "It still doesn't do anything to cure me of my aggravating ailment."

Itachi noticed something else, "Where's Mike? Shouldn't he be here with you?"

"Yes, but I currently have no form of communication with him, so he has not contributed to this chapter. Nor the one before, either. Yet I make do with what I have."

"And what is that, exactly?"

A crazed look came over her face, and Itachi was genuinely scared for a moment.

"I do not know. Do you know, George?" She picked up an old, dusty skull with her mouth, and set it on the head of her plushie, "I didn't think so. No, you can't eat him!"

A horrified look spread over her face before she picked up the skull again, and threw it against the wall, shattering it.

"And I thought he was my friend... Oh, well."

Itachi felt slightly light-headed, which was strange, considering his head was now heavy with all the blood rushing to it. It was an intriguing concept, one that Sam very much wanted to analyze. She also wanted to dissect his head to find out if there was actually more blood than usual in there. She also liked typing about herself in third person, but thought that it was WAY more fun when talking another author in third person with a character from some anime or book. She wondered if this paragraph was even worth it, if any readers actually read this. Sam wants all readers that read this to put 'what a strange concept' somewhere in their reviews. It would be very much appreciated, letting her know you are really reading the story. By the time Sam had stopped wondering, Itachi had lost consciousness.

**Hey, it's new years. Oh, well. Back to the story! :D ...or whatever I was writing about... ...or something entirely different....**

**

* * *

**

In a flash, Itachi was fully awake, but somewhere else. He was not chained up above a perilous chasm, but that seemed a much preferable fate compared to where he was. The leather couch he was lying on and the evil glint in Sam's eyes revealed it all. He was in... _therapy_.

The Uchiha struggled hard not to tremble in fear. Instead, he wondered where his life had taken a turn for the worst.

"So," Sam started, looking down at a clipboard that had magically appeared there, "Itachi Uchiha. Where exactly do you think your life went wrong?"

Said ninja looked up at her curiously; had not he just been asking himself the same question?

He sighed, deciding not to argue with the author, "I suppose it went wrong when you forced me to come to Ouran."

"Intriguing," she said, writing something down on the clipboard. She looked back up at him, peering at him thoughtfully, "and how does that make you feel?"

"Depressed."

"Captivating... And how, exactly, does that make you feel?"

Itachi looked at her quizzically, "Um... Depressed..?"

"Stimulating," Sam proceeded jotting down things on her clipboard. Continuing this session in an interested monotone, "and how does that make you feel, exactly?"

"How does this have anything to do with therapy?!"

"Fascinating! And why do you think you feel that way?"

"Why would I even need therapy?"

"Absorbing," Sam examined him carefully, "and why do you think you feel that way, exactly?"

"Because you keep asking me the same question!"

"Mesmerizing. And how does that make you feel?"

Itachi looked down at the floor and in a small voice, "...small..."

Sam threw the clipboard at the wall, and stretched. "Your hour's up, " she jumped off the chair she was on, and gave hi a piece of paper, "your diagnosis."

Itachi looked incredulously at the paper.

**Sam's diagnosis:**

**Hit head against wall. **

**Repeat until you feel better, lose consciousness, or your heart ceases to beat.**

**

* * *

**

As he was somehow transported back to the school, he considered doing that, if only to get rid of Sam and Mike.

* * *

...I has no inspiration for story about Yule dance... Help?

I was reading some fanfic about where Dragonlance characters go to therapy earlier. The therapy session came to mind later.

Maybe I'll add a third part to this. Whatever. Don't be surprised If I suddenly decided to ditch the story and let it become some sort of story with hilarious oneshots about Itachi and Deidara.


	6. p3 Sever Thy Head

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or the song. Song is 'While Your Lips Are Still Red' by Nightwish. I am kitty, if you haven't already gathered that fact. Kitty likes to speak with big words. Makes her feel superior.

~**Beware: Author is high on Pepsi**~

* * *

Sam laughed insanely as these events came to pass. When at night, with pepsi and chocolate, beware the consequences. **Mwahahaha!**

_Sweet little words made for silence  
Not talk  
Young heart for love  
Not heartache  
Dark hair for catching the wind  
Not to veil the sight of a cold world_

Tamaki and Deidara gracefully danced over the marble floors, other couples staring at them with awe. Deidara moved with such beauty, such elegance, Tamaki could only compliment him. For it is impossible to best an angel. There seemed not a care in the world for the two!

It was hard for one not to be jealous, watching them. Before long, Itachi, and many others, found themselves asking for dances of the prince and angel.

_Kiss while your lips are still red  
While he's still silent  
Rest while bosom is still untouched, unveiled  
Hold another hand while the hand's still without a tool  
Drown into eyes while they're still blind  
Love while the night still hides the withering dawn_

It seemed luck was on the Akatsuki's side, for Itachi and Deidara soon were dancing together. They blinked when they looked up at each other, for neither of them were really expecting the other.

"Itachi," Deidara hissed quietly, "what are you doing here? I thought you were going after the Kyuubi!"

"I was, but a cat and wolf decided it would be funny to drag me here," Itachi whispered back.

The disguised boy blinked again and asked, incredulous, "A cat."

The Uchiha nodded.

"And a wolf?"

Another nod.

Deidara excused himself out of the room, into that hallway, where he proceeded rolled on the floor, laughing.

__

First day of love never comes back  
A passionate hour's never a wasted one  
The violin, the poet's hand,  
Every thawing heart plays your theme with care

After several minutes, Deidara went back inside, his sides still hurting. Itachi was still there, slightly annoyed that he had not taken him seriously. But who would? Well, maybe Tobi, but Tobi would believe anything.

The ex-Iwa-nin noticed something, "Shouldn't this song be over by now? Why play it again?"

Itachi sighed, "It's the cat. The cat can make whatever it wants possible. It can make this song repeat a million times. It can even make you dress as a girl."

Deidara disagreed with him, "A cat didn't make me do this; a voice in the back of my mind told me it was the best thing to do."

The other Akatsuki felt like slapping him, "That voice is the cat!"

"Itachi."

"Deidara."

"A cat. Really?"

"Yes."

Deidara stared at his long- time foe for a long moment, wondering if Itachi had gone crazy.

_Kiss while your lips are still red  
While he's still silent  
Rest while bosom is still untouched, unveiled  
Hold another hand while the hand's still without a tool  
Drown into eyes while they're still blind  
Love while the night still hides the withering dawn_

_

* * *

_

Itachi vanished suddenly, only to find himself in a familiar stone room, upside-down, above a familiar chasm. Except, instead of cats, there were small wolf cubs inhabiting the desk. And replacing the computer, was a throne of marble, with a familiar wolf seated on it. Itachi felt a small, furry warmth on his neck, and with a shock, realized it was the cat. They seemed to be in the middle of an argument.

"But I dun wanna!"

"But I want to introduce our human selves!"

"I still dun wanna."

"Remember what happened last time."

"There wasn't a last time. We never did this before. _Remember_?"

"Stop lying."

"You can, but I'm not gonna."

"Fine with me."

Suddenly, a shadowy flame devoured the wolf, and disappeared just as quickly. In its place stood a tall pale figure. He ran a hand through his long, black hair,revealing pointed ears and handsome amber eyes. His hand came down to rest at the hilt of a rather fierce-looking katana. It hesitated there for a moment, as if he was not sure if he should draw it or not. He finally came to a decision, letting his hand fall back at his side.

In the blink of an eye, without so much as a blur of movement, he was at Sam's throat, the black blade of his katana pressing at her fur.

"Really? You expect me to just sit back as you disobey my request?" He hissed, his eyes narrowing.

The kitten glared at the sword with contempt, but did not speak out.

He dropped back down to the floor, his black cape billowing in the air. He restored the blade back to its sheath, which fit snugly in his silver belt. He then proceeded to dust some imaginary dirt off the long sleeves of his cloak. As he let his arms fall back to his sides, the sleeves covered them to the fingertips, hiding any concealed weapons he may have been hiding.

Sam jumped down, and succeeding in landing not on her paws, but rather, the paws of an unfortunate wolf cub that just so happened to be laying there. She ignored the wails of the creature, and padded over to him. A flash of purple light surrounded her for barely a second, and a small, humanoid form replaced the kitten. She seemed annoyed, and her arms were crossed over her dark red robe.

Two stray strands of black hair partially covered her glowing blue eyes as she glared at him, "Happy now, Mike?"

Mike said nothing, a smirk playing across his lips.

Sam turned to the forgotten Uchiha, "As you might have already guessed, these are our chosen humanoid forms. I say 'humanoid', because these forms aren't completely human. I, for one, have something based off of my character in World of Warcraft. Half demon, half gnome. Mike has his based off of... something."

"Hey! For your information I am half demon half moon elf." Mike said angrily.

"Nonetheless, I am here to sever thy head."

"Don't you mean 'serve'?" Mike pointed out.

"No, I mean sever Itachi's head."

"Oh, well that sounds... _exiting."_

"Now come to Flaashak..." A giant, hulking creature with an equally giant ax appeared out of nowhere.

Mike smiled deviantly at Itachi. "Come forth Tharsour!" he commanded. Suddenly a mist filled the room. As Itachi looked into the haze, he could faintly make out an enormous figure standing in it. The mist slowly faded and the figure slowly became clear. Finally, the darkness was gone and a horrified look came over the unfortunate Uchiha's upside down face. A mammoth creature sporting two gigantic blades glowered upon him. The fiery eyes of this stony dark figure pierced Itachi's soul as it stared at him.

Sam looked at Mike with a look that said, "_You have _got_ to be kidding me._"

"You're not the only one that can have a little... _fun." _He replied. The demonic creatures started toward Itachi and an evil glint appeared in the summoners' eyes.

Itachi squirmed in his chains, "W-Where did _those_ come from?!"

"The poor thing," Mike said sorrowfully, and Sam continued, "he doesn't realize we are level 60 warlocks."

"Wait... What?" Sam was startled for a moment. She glared at Mike, "Stop making me say stuff. You're not a level 60 warlock! And quite copying me. And that demon doesn't exist! You've never even played World of Warcraft before! You don't even know what a night elf looks like!"

"I have played World of Warcraft! I even played a night elf! Besides, the demon I came up with looks cooler, and has a cooler name!"

"At least my felguard isn't made up! And Flaashak is a way cooler name than Tharsour!"

Meanwhile, the demons looked down at Itachi.

"We created this world, we could just randomly create anything we want!"

"Your point? My demon still pwns yours."

"You can't use pwn in a story! That isn't even how you spell it!"

"Then how would you spell it?"

With Itachi, the demons were placing bets on which master will win this game of pwn-pown.

"Pown. P-O-W-N. Pown."

"That's just pow with an N at the end."

"It's still the correct spelling."

"Pown."

"Pwn."

"Pown!"

"Pwn!"

The demons finally grew tired of the verbal fight, and agreed to hack Itachi's head off with Flaashak's ax. The giant weapon came down, slicing the air, and Itachi's neck.

The last thing the Uchiha heard was a chuckle, _"Happy birthday to me."_

* * *

Sorry about the italic part in between a part of the song. The stupid thing wouldn't let me un-italicize it!. Sorry if Deidara or Itachi seem a bit OOC. I'm still not exactly sure of their attitudes, but I think I have a good idea. Another thing: I'm quite terrible at writing dialog.


	7. p4 At Long Last, The Kiss!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Oturan own ton od I. Enasni si yttik. **

**This Christmas special is taking too long... I promise, next chappy will be something different. **

**

* * *

**

*Poof*

Itachi looked around, amazed, as the two monstrosities were quickly replaced by an even more horrifying sight: Deidara in make up and a beautiful gown.

It did not take long for the Akatsuki member to realize he was back in the huge room, surrounded by envious males all wanting a chance with Deidara. Of course, the make up and dress wasn't what made the sight so horrifying. It was the fact that the Uchiha found himself _blushing_.

"-here?"

Itachi was caught off guard by the sudden question. He had not even noticed Deidara talking to him. He had been too absorbed in staring into her eyes...

Her pure, ocean-shaded orbs... How he wished he could fall deep within those pools of tenderness and love...

"Itachi?"

Itachi shook his head, shaking himself back to reality. He was suddenly aware they were both dancing. A waltz, if his etiquette lessons had been correct. the light blush came back. He opened his mouth to ask a question, but it came out as a raspy croak. Lipping his lips, he tried again.

"Sorry, what was that you said?"

Deidara looked at him suspiciously, but did not inquire any more about his strange behavior.

"I asked, did you come alone, or are any other Akatsuki hidden here?"

Itachi concentrated on his shoes. There appeared to be a smudge of icing on one of them...

"I do not know the whereabouts of the others. I only know that you and I are both here."

Itachi continued on, forcing the blush off his face, "By the way, how is _this_," he motioned to Deidara's appearance, "a disguise? If you haven't noticed, you don't exactly blend in." He motioned to the majority of the male population of the school, who were dreamily gazing at Deidara.

Deidara smiled. "I am wearing _this_," he motioned to his appearance, "_because_ I stick out. If you haven't noticed, all the boys are too captivated by my beauty as a girl to notice anything else. I can do anything and not get in trouble for it. If I had been dressed my gender, I would have been expelled already."

The Uchiha prodigy opened his mouth to ask how he would be expelled, but stopped. _'Of course. Otherwise, students would make fun of his hair, question why he wore gloves, and he wouldn't be able to convince them not to expel him. I didn't realize he was able to concoct such a brilliant plan.'_

The blond opened his mouth to ask something, but at that moment, a ringing echoed through the room. Everyone had turned their attention to the throne, where Tamaki stood, holding up a wine glass and silver fork. He rang it twice more, then set it on a nearby table. He sat back in his throne and addressed the school population.

"I hope everyone has enjoyed their time at this wonderful party. I know what all of you are thinking. 'Oh why, oh why does the party have to be over so soon?' At the mere thought of it, tears come to my perfect eyes. However, this gathering it not over just yet. We still have that little contest, do we not?"

The rest of the Host club came to stand by their king, all lined up in a row. A bouquet of several different colored roses appeared in Tamaki's hand. He went down the row, each member of the club taking one rose, leaving a daisy-yellow flower for himself.

"These eight gorgeous roses represent eight gorgeous maidens. Each princess has been carefully selected - by our very own Kyoya - based on hair color, how well they dance, personality, eye color, lineage, and of course, beauty," as he said the last part, he looked toward a cluster of eager girls and winked at them. They squealed, a few of them even swooning into their dance partner's arms.

Kyoya spoke, "Inside the petals of each rose is a name of one of the lucky girls. When we say your name, please come forward and stand by your designated Host." He nodded to Haruhi. "Haruhi, if you will."

Haruhi took a piece of paper out of the middle of the pale red rose. She opened it and read the name written on it, "Haruko Yamagati."

An over-excited squeal came from the middle of the room, and a girl with pale reddish eyes came bouncing up to Haruhi. She trembled with excitement.

Kyoya read his, "Ishi Osaka."

It took awhile for the name to arrive at the actual girl who owned it, and longer still for the gray-eyed girl to walk over. She did not seem too thrilled to be chosen.

Hikaru winced as he read the name out of his deep-shaded amber rose, "Leiko Tottor-"

"WHY!? WHY?!"

Hikaru cringed, and reluctantly finished the name, "-i."

The scream came from one fuming girl, who had been hiding in the shadows the whole time. Tears were streaming from her deep amber eyes, and she knelt on her knees, asking whatever gods were up there why they were torturing her so.

She gradually came up to stand by Hikaru, but refused to look at him. And vice versa.

"Hitachiin," she seethed.

"Tottori," he growled.

Kaoru grudgingly read his purple-and-white rose. "Tora Tottori."

A girl swaggered up to the Hosts, quite confident. Slabs of make-up were slathered on her face, making her appear hideous, rather than what she was probably aiming for.

She fluttered her mascara- gunky eyelashes at Kaoru, who suddenly felt more than a little intimidated.

Tamaki blinked at the roses, then the girls already called up.

Honey hopped up and down with his stuffed bunny. "Yasu Hokkaido!"

A girl came up, blinked down at Honey with small, cream-ish eyes, and muttered, "Great."

Mori's turn. "Taka Iwate."

This girl was easy to spot. She stood a full head taller than anyone in the room, and Mori was no exception. He had to look _up_ at her.

Tamaki shook where stood. This was not according to plan. The girls were supposed to have the perfect personality and looks to match each of the Hosts! He was supposed to get Deidara. But Deidara's eyes were not yellow...

So who did he get?

Tamaki's voice wavered as he read the note.

"Renge Houshakuji."

Renge walked up with a confident air around her, and blinked at Tamaki through her yellow contacts, wondering if the roses had been switched around. She thought she was going to be picked by Haruhi.

The king mentally cried in protest as Itachi read off the name of his beloved Deidara.

Kyoya watched the girls come up with satisfaction. He flashed a smile at Ishi. It was all going according to plan...

Kyoya stepped forward.

"As promised, each girl will receive a kiss from their host."

Then in one, swift motion, Kyoya stepped toward his rose and pecked her lightly on the cheek. He pulled back to where he was, his face having gained a pink hue. Ishi remained indifferent. The girls in the audience awwed and roared in protest. Kyoya looked down at his ever-present clipboard, and waited patiently for them to quiet down for Haruhi's kiss. He became confused when they did not.

"Haruhi?" He asked, looking up. No one answered.

She had disappeared.

Murmurs of "Where's Haruhi?" quickly echoed throughout the room. Someone even cried out, "That witch stole Haruhi!"

"My turn!" silenced the crowd, drawing their attention to the _ perfect _couple, Honey and Yasu.

Honey grabbed her arm, and yanked her down so her face was level with his. Yasu was surprised by this abrupt action and did not react until after he had kissed her. She straightened up, then ran out to wash the cake off her face.

Hikaru and Leiko refused to kiss each other, and Kaoru ran out the room screaming. Mori kissed Taka, yet after 5 minutes, everyone decided to ignore the suddenly-madly-in-love couple. Tamaki pecked Renge on the cheek, and after an indignant _hmph!_, she stomped out of the room. Everyone's gaze soon went to the last remaining couple...

Itachi and Deidara.

Itachi stepped toward Deidara, ready to just pretend to peck him on the cheek.

Instead, he suddenly pulled him in close, and kissed him right on the lips.

* * *

Sam- Hi! Yeah, so I'm not dead after all. :) It's a miracle.

Oh, and Rina and Kuro; thanks for the flames. :D Those were my first flames in my life! I really appreciate them, as well as you two.

You've really brightened my day with your pointing out how things don't make sense, when in actuality, that's what makes the story funny! And about the grammar/spelling mistakes: I was in a 'crazy' mood at the time and didn't look over it too much. The chapters got better as I went along, though. Try reading past chapter 1 before sending in criticism, next time. ;)

I shall remember your names for a long time and praise them for many days. Or at least until I find someone else.

0o0o0

Mike- I try to do off with her everyday. Yet she just slips through my fingers like the little kitten she is.

Sam- I try.

Mike- Hey! This is my segment! Go, shoo! Shoo to your little Scryers!

Sam- They aren't little! They're very influencial throughout Outland.

Mike- Whatever. Besides, I wouldn't kill you anyway; I would have no one to share the moments of torturing others with.

Sam- You're getting off topic. Stop talking before you reveal what song is going to play next chapter.

Mike- I wasn't going too. You're the one who just said there was going to be a song.

Sam- So I did. Let us proceed to await our reviews of this chapter!


	8. Mass Hysteria

Disclaimer: I own not a thing, save for two mischievous kittens.

* * *

Itachi ran as fast as he could, for he was dangerously late for his next class. Why, oh why did Tamaki have to make him meet his new 'kitten'? If anything, that ferocious feline was a monster. He glared at his bandaged hand, blood already seeping through his terrible handiwork.(A/N Yeah, terrible pun)

The Uchiha prodigy glanced at a passing clock, and cursed. 7:27. Class started two minutes ago.

A familiar number on a door stopped Itachi in his tracks. 13. He skidded to a stop, and took a moment to adjust his blazer before confidently striding into the room.

* * *

As for the other Akatsuki, who, frankly, did not care one bit at all about being late, was just waking up. He slowly blinked his eye open to find an enormous surprise. A gigantic brown beast(well, it was a dog, but that would ruin the moment) was eating his face. Well, for all you know, that could be really happening. But unfortunately, it was just licking it. Deidara blinked at it once more, then proceeded to scream like the girl he was pretending to be.

He fended off the enormous beast, then ran into the bathroom to de-sterilize his face...for the good part of an hour.

The other 3 minutes of it were spent checking himself for any wounds the beast may have inflicted.

He ran out the apartment, and down the street, the dog still following. Sometime after they arrived at the school, it wandered off.

Deidara breathed a sigh of relief. Unfortunately for him, that sigh alerted the local fanboys to his presence. Deidara's slow, lazy walk quickly escalated to a desperate sprint.

Without even watching what he was doing, he ran into the closest room he could find. Room 13.

* * *

Itachi had not walked three steps into the dark room before another person crashed into him, knocking him to the floor. The other person started shouting, and Itachi realized that person was Deidara.

"Deidara!" He shouted, annoyed. He got up, and shoved the other member off.

Deidara walked forward blindly, and asked in a slightly frightened voice, "Itachi? Is that you?"

Itachi steadied him by grabbing his shoulder. "Yes, it's me. Now, where are we?"

"Room 13," Deidara said automatically.

"Yes, I know that," Itachi snapped, "But the question still lies; where is everybody?"

"Maybe-"

Deiadara was interrupted by a light suddenly turned on. It illuminated a sole person, standing on what could now be identified as a stage. He stood behind some black and red drums. What struck the two Akatsuki as odd, though, was that the person was at the side of the stage, not in the middle like someone preforming.

He lifted his red-haired head, and stared at them through brown eyes. Sasori. He opened his mouth to sing.

_Sing us the song of the century_  
_That sings like American eulogy_  
_The dawn of my love and conspiracy_  
_Of forgotten hope and the class of 13_  
_Tell me a story into that goodnight_  
_Sing us a song for me_

He began playing the drums, and at the same time, six more spotlights turned on, illuminating other Akaktsuki and their instruments. They started singing.

_Mass Hysteria_  
_Mass Hysteria_  
_Mass Hysteria_  
_Mass Hysteria_

All of them lowered their heads, except for Kisame, guitar in hand.

_Red alert is the color of panic_  
_Elevated to the point of static_  
_Beating into the hearts of the fanatics_  
_And the neighborhood's a loaded gun_  
_Idle thought leads to full-throttle screaming_  
_And we welfare is asphyxiating_  
_Mass confusion is all the new rage_  
_And it's creating a feeding ground_  
_For the bottom feeders of hysteria_

They sang again;

_Mass Hysteria_  
_Mass Hysteria_  
_Mass Hysteria_  
_Mass Hysteria_

Hidan came in this time, a sadistic smile on his face while he played blood-covered drums.

_True sounds of maniacal laughter_  
_And the deaf-mute is misleading the choir_  
_The punch line is a natural disaster_  
_And it's sung by the unemployed_  
_Fight fire with a riot_  
_The class war is hanging on a wire_  
_Because the martyr is a compulsive liar_  
_When he said_  
_"It's just a bunch of people throwing gas into the hysteria"_

_Mass Hysteria_  
_Mass Hysteria_  
_Mass Hysteria_  
_Mass Hysteria_

Kakuzu wielded an electronic guitar with patterns of money decorating it.

_There's a disturbance on the Oceanside_  
_They tapped into the reserve_  
_The static response is so unclear now_  
_Mayday this is not a test!_  
_As the neighborhood burns,_  
_American is falling_  
_Vigilantes warning you_  
_Calling Christian and Gloria_

_I don't want to live in the modern world_  
_I don't want to live in the modern world_  
_I don't want to live in the modern world_  
_I don't want to live in the modern world_

Hidan sang;

_I'm the class of 13_  
_In the era of dissent_  
_A hostage of the soul_  
_On a strike to pay the rent_  
_The last of the rebels_  
_Without a common ground_  
_I'm gonna light a fire_  
_Into the underground_

_I don't want to live in the modern world_  
_I don't want to live in the modern world_  
_I don't want to live in the modern world_  
_I don't want to live in the modern world_

Pein's eyes swirled while he sang and played the electronic guitar.

_I am a nation_  
_Without bureaucratic ties_  
_Deny the allegation as it's written_

_I want to take a ride to the great divide_  
_Beyond the "up to date"_  
_And then neo-gentrified_  
_The high definition for the low resident_  
_Where the value of your mind_  
_Is not held in contempt_  
_I can hear the sound of_  
_A beating heart_  
_That bleeds beyond a system_  
_That's falling apart_  
_With money to burn_  
_On a minimum wage_  
_'Cause I don't give a crap_  
_About the modern age_

_I don't want to live in the modern world_  
_I don't want to live in the modern world_  
_I don't want to live in the modern world_  
_I don't want to live in the modern world_  
_I don't want to live in the modern world_

"Mass hysteria," Zetsu chimed in, popping his head out of a flower pot nearby, surprising the two Akatsuki.

_I don't want to live in the modern world_  
_Mass Hysteria_  
_I don't want to live in the modern world_  
_Mass Hysteria_  
_I don't want to live in the modern world_  
_Mass Hysteria!_

As soon as the song ended, the spotlights turned off, and the two Akatsuki were left in the dark once more.

Itachi began, "That was..."

"Mass hysteria," Deidara finished.

Itachi started feeling along the wall for a light switch.

Deidara started walking toward where the stage had been. With a cry of surprise, he tripped over something. The Uchiha flicked a light switch, and turned toward his temporary partner.

"How did they get here in such a short amount of time without any noise?" he wondered at the mass of cats and dogs crowding the room. There was no indication of there having been a stage there, nor were there any spotlights.

He discovered Deidara tripping over some cats intent on rubbing against his legs.

A big, cream-furred cat came toward Itachi, and meowed. He smiled, and put his hand out for it to rub against. His smile soon disappeared when his hand came back covered in scratches.

"So we meet again, Ed."

* * *

The song is called "American Eulogy" by Green Day. Check it out on youtube and listen to it while reading. It's a whole 'nother universe out there. What? It sounded cool...

Remember my big clumsy kitty from chapter 3? Yeah, he's back, along with Maggie, the 'ferocious beast'. We changed Ed's name to Omnom, because he likes to scratch and 'omnom' on anyone's hand. But the vet misspelled his name and now it says 'Umnum' on this little collar thing.

**Rina**: You're right. I am very lazy at writing this. Yet I did not copy. Mike is directing the flow of this story, and he has never read fanfiction before. I'm just the one who writes it and decides on the random things, like this song. I read The Newest Host, and I'm amazed at the similarities. But I did not steal it. If I did, Alayna36 has done a much better job at writing it than I have. Besides, in the Naruto fandom, ideas are copied left and right. Oh, and I just recently fixed chapter 1. I never realized the amount of errors in it. Oh, well. they're fixed now. :3 By the way, I'm only calling your review a flame because it's the closest thing to a flame that I've ever gotten. I just want to be able to say that I've gotten a flame before.

Sorry about the wall of text. XD

Yes, I do realize the last chapter was left at a cliffhanger. However, I also promised to do something different. What happened after the kiss may never be known...

**Oh, and if you have time after reviewing, check out the new poll on my profile page! :3**


	9. What! We're getting serious?

**Chapter 9**

**Please take no criticizing mind to the previous eight chapters, as I do realize my mistakes, but I am reluctant to confuse what dedicated readers I may have. **

Disclaimer: Own Naruto or Ouran, we do not. Own this story, we do. What we wish to it, we do.

* * *

Itachi sat at the edge of his chair, completely engrossed in the book before him. A throbbing in the back of his head prevented this for the most part, but the persistent Uchiha was not about to let that get in the way. Mike sat right in front of him, looming over the book as he read it upside-down. Sam lay atop the oblivious plot thread, letting out a small squeak every once in a while.

Sam soon was dosing on the top of this Uchiha's head. Itachi raised his head, and sleepily said, "Good morning."

Suddenly, Itachi stood from his desk, surprising Mike and knocking Sam to the floor. He walked swiftly to the bathroom. Vomiting sounds soon followed.

Sam and Mike looked at each other, as if to ask, "What's his problem?"

* * *

Haruhi awoke that morning with a thump as she fell out of bed. After a few minutes of nursing her head, Haruhi realized that a different sound had woken her.

She shook her head, sending the head pain to the back of her mind. She listened for a moment, yet heard nothing. Shrugging, Haruhi picked herself off the floor, then went to make breakfast.

Passing her father's room, her eyebrows raised as she noticed that he still slept. _'The loud sound of me falling off the bed didn't wake him..?'_

Suddenly, Haruhi heard two consecutive thumps. The surprise of the sound so close to her almost made her trip. They sounded like they came from the apartment next to her's.

Haruhi knit her brows together in confusion. Deidara lived there. The sweet girl seemed a bit nervous sometimes, but she did not look like the type to drop anything because of it. Maybe-

Just them, another thump went through the wall. This time, Haruhi heard a sickening crack to go with it. Alarmed, she ran out the door, not bothering to take the time to change into more sensible clothes, and burst through Deidara's apartment door.

"Dei-"

She stopped mid-sentence, and her hand flew to her mouth. Deidara lay on the carpet, clutching her head, groaning. A large spot of blood slowly spread into her tangled mess of blonde hair. Soaked scarlet pieces of drywall surrounded her head. The crimson liquid dripped from the corner of her mouth, staining the beautiful dress she had worn the night before. She was muttering something about 'spiked punch.'

Haruhi stifled a scream, realizing panic would not help anyone. She figured the first step would be to call for an ambulance, and so she scoured the small apartment for a phone. Surprisingly, only one phone was found, however, the line had been cut. The apartment was as fresh and clean as it had been the day before Deidara arrived, and only one bed was clear of dust.

Searching through the housing area for the fourth time, Haruhi stopped to check on Deidara's condition. The bleeding had worsened, and the poor girl started hallucinating. She stared, unblinking, at the door, and muttered something about 'singing puppets.'

"I'll have to get my cell phone," Haruhi said, reluctant to leave Deidara alone. "Don't worry; help will soon be on the way!"

* * *

Deidara groaned. Having a headache was one thing, having a hangover was a painful other. _'I shouldn't have spiked that punch.'_

A crash came from another room. Deidara jerked his head toward the sound, ignoring the new crack of pain. He craned his neck to the side. Barely at the edge of his vision, that girl from the next apartment_ -what was her name? Haruhi, if the hangover hasn't affected my memory- _was shifting through his closet. In his state of pain, he really didn't care about anything she found in there. He groaned again. His head felt like someone had punched their fist in his skull. He lifted his hand to hold to his head, to subside the pain if possible. As his hand touched something sticky, his eyes widened.

He slowly retracted his hand. It trembled in front of him. The scarlet ooze was unmistakable.

_Blood. _

* * *

First, I have to say this: Haruhi is being kinda stupid. Why didn't she just go get her own phone in the first place? Because I wanted Deidara to have enough time to explain stuff to my readers. XD

Geeze, besides the time it took to pump out this short chapter, the cliffhanger was kinda pointless. XD You already know what happens next!

We're going to try to make this fic a bit more serious(not that kind of serious!). Meaning, we're going to spend more time fleshing out the story part, and make it interesting, along with try to have more words in per chapter. You might also see more of my morbid side in the coming chapters. The crack chapters will still pump out, just not as often, and only every few chapters.

On a side note, I'd like to know what your favorite and least favorite parts are, and what you want to see in the coming chapters, so that we can better configure the chapters to our reader's fantasies.

On a _further_ side note, I've been watching Naruto Shippuuden recently. At the end of episode 71 you get to hear Kakuzu's name. It sounds different than I thought it would. 'Kaku' is pronounced the same way as Kaka in Kakashi, and 'zu' sounds like zoo(but I already figured that). I'm on episode 101, if any are interested (_stalkers!_).

RECOMMENDATIONS!

Here are two stories I thought my faithful readers might like.

My Escape -by Legend of Zelda 4 life -To the world, the Akatsuki was a bunch of S-class criminals. To them, it was the family they never had. To me, it was my escape from all the pain and suffering my dark, hidden past had endured. Kinda AU, T for abuse, mentions of rape, language, and violence. (It's an awesome story featuring my favorite character, Deidara! And it's not really AU if you're worried about that.)

Lost In The Host Club -by Dani-rin -What happens when Naruto and the gang get caught up in Host Club drama? (I'm beta-ing and editing this story. Dani is new to Fanfiction, so feel free to critique her work!)


	10. There are many definitions of 'Help'

Chapter 10

Disclaimer: We own this chapter. Bow down before your masters, chapter.

Bowing to the masters of the chapter is not recommended, but required.

* * *

Deidara stared at his hand. _'I really hit my head against the wall that hard?'_

A trickle of blood dripped into his eye, answering his question.

Slowly moving to a sitting position, his head swam. The room spun, and Deidara had to close his eyes against it. Faint singing drifted through his mind. Haruhi's clamor came from a distance.

Wait, singing?

His eyes popped open, and red filled his vision.

Red?

_'Why is there a singing puppet in front of me?'_

Struggling to keep his eyes open, Deidara almost missed the sound of Haruhi's voice.

"Don't worry; help will soon be on the way!"

Help?

Years of ninja training, along with years of paranoia, forced him to think about the situation despite his predicament. He closed his tired eyes and calmly assessed the situation. _My head needs immediate treatment, I am in my apartment, I am in a dress, Haruhi has gone to get help- _

He stopped_. Help? _A sense of dread seemed to emanate from the word.

_Why does that not sound like such a good thing right now? _

Deidara thought quickly. If he could figure out why 'help' was an unwelcome thing before Haruhi came back, he could escape without (much) suspicion. _What, exactly, is help? Well, help is a domestic servant or farm laborer. But Haruhi wouldn't bring me a servant or farm hand. What else does 'help' imply? Help means to serve food to at a table. No, that couldn't be it; I smashed the table with my head a few hours earlier. _The aforementioned table let itself be known in the form of splinters in his head. He grit his teeth and tried to concentrate on 'help.' _Help is- Wait! Splinters in my head... Haruhi is getting help to get the splinters out of my head! _

Deidara grinned at himself, proud at having finally solved the problem.

But wait, something went through him. Help was bad. They thought he wasn't capable of getting a few splinters out of his head. He had to escape, before Haruhi came with help. His head swiveled around, searching for a way out. The window! He feebly crawled over, leaving bloody imprints of his hands on the carpet. He crawled to the half-open window. He lept out the window, and landed on his feet. He ran aimlessly, swerving around in the direction of where he knew he could tend to his head in warmth.

* * *

Hello. Yes, hello. I decided to post this chapter before it was completely finished because of how long this story has gone without an update. Besides, there was supposed to be some sort of time/place transition at the end there.

Is there anything you would like to happen in this story? Anything you wanted to happen that never happened and ended up crushing your heart because it was not there? (in this story, of course) Tell me. Tell me what your idea is. I wish to incorporate in into the story. Even if it's Sakura yelling at Itachi to pick up computer hardware pieces off the ground. The only rule is that there has to be no mature content in it, and restrict the cursing to a minimum. I do like to keep my stories clean. (ignores the readers calling her a hypocrite for having excessive blood in chapter 9)


	11. Insert Mundane Title Here

**Disclaimer: We neither own The Shining nor Naruto nor OHHC. **

**Sorry, I Thought You Were A Guy** _-chapter 11_

"Alright," Itachi said, tying off the last of the bandages on Deidara's head. "Now you need some rest. I'll come back later to check on you."

Itachi closed the door slowly so as to not disturb the already falling-asleep Deidara. Smiling, he turned around - to have that smile wiped off as he came face-to-face with an old man in a labcoat.

"Now what do you think you're doing, Itachi? You've neglected your job, to which I am extremely disappointed."

Itachi frowned and asked, "What?"

The professor sighed dramatically. "You haven't any clue as to what is going on, do you?"

Itachi could only shake his head.

"A bunch of fifth-graders and their parents have come to our school to find a good highschool for their children. Everyone who decided to stay behind during Christmas break has been assigned a job. That includes you, Itachi," he said when he saw said ninja's confused look.

"The only job left," -here he looked pityingly at Itachi- "is to watch the children, whom I left in the care of Mr. Fuzlybutt."

All color drained from Itachi's face. He knew of the professor's cat. Without a word, he was like a speeding car as he ran down the hall.

"Hey!" the professor yelled after him, "The children are the other way!"

* * *

For some unfathomable reason, Itachi couldn't find any children. He was almost ready to give up and go back to Deidara when he turned a corner and bumped into two children.

They looked up at him with their curiously large green and blue eyes. They said in unison, "Hello, Mister. Will you play with us?"

Itachi stared at one of the girl's pink hair for a long minute.

"Forever?"

Itachi suddenly found he didn't like kids. Well, he may have agreed to watching them, but he wasn't going to fall so far as to play with them. Without so much as an incomprehensible noise, he turned back and walked away. Deidara might wake up again and scream at the mirror. Again.

* * *

And then a black hole opened and everyone got sucked in. Deidara appeared back on his clay bird, leading Naruto on a goose chase. Itachi appeared back in his room, thinking everything a funny dream.

Itachi woke up in his room, and stayed still long enough to remember he was in his room at the Akatsuki hideout. He thought back to his strange dream-and laughed. It seemed so ridiculous and wild; like the dreams he had when he was a kid.

He stood up and greeted the world with a smile. He resumed his daily activities, and headed out for his mission.

Out in the forest, he and Kisame prepared a meal. Kisame left to go fishing while Itachi stayed to make a fire. Knowing his partner would be gone a while, Itachi decided a walk through the forest would be nice.

As he walked, he came across a black wolf with a cat sitting on its head. He smiled at them, remembering his crazy dream.

As he walked away, he thought he heard a snicker and someone say, "Stupid plot thread."

* * *

This was going to be a parody of The Shining, but we got bored. Yes, we got bored of the entire story. Sorry. Blame Mike.


End file.
